Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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