first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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