I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
