Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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