Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
