I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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