Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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