She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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