All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
