My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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