I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need water and some morals
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