my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
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