If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just pee around me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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