Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
