ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
