neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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