so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
