meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
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