in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i was born a porn star she said
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize