I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
