My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
