We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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