I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
