What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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