So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
