why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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