I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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