These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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