Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
