she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
