Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
