just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
They are going to name an STD after you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
