i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
