I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
