did you get engaged???
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
