no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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