Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
