Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
two words...techno handjob
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
