He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
