You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
