I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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