I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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