we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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