You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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