He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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