gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
