I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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