I'm so fucking centered right now
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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