one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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