peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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