nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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