Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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