too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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