hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My vagina just recognized that song.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
