okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
