Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
