So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
