Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
