You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
That was an excessively violent trivia night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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